Stress!

So I spent the past week in Monroeville since Katie was getting married. I gained 7 lbs.

My main problem is that I'm a stress eater. Food is a comfort for me--actually, not just the food, the whole process is, really. Picking out what I want, mixing it, cooking it, smelling it...eating it. I feel at home in the kitchen. It's like...I don't know, it's just so peaceful and soothing to me to be able to cook. The wedding week was VERY stressful. Everyone's nerves were on edge, there was snapping and fighting and tears and I couldn't handle it. So I had biscuits and bread and sweets and grease...and I felt better. And worse. I haven't quite figured out how one can feel better and worse at the same time. Maybe I feel better because food is my comfort, and I feel worse because I want and need to lose this weight so badly.

I thought once I got back to Auburn everything would mellow out and I wouldn't be tempted since I don't have those "no-no" foods in my apartment but I'm already stressed about school and I've only been to one class! Let me clarify--this ONE class requires me to drive to Smith Station twice a week. It's 80 miles there and back, and I have to stay in SS for three hours each day. I'll be working with third graders. Just once, I wish AU would put me in a Kindergarten classroom so I can get the experience I want! UGH!!

Anyways, I'll find a way to deal with my stress. I don't know exactly how yet. Eh, I'll work on that later. Right now, I must clean this filthy apartment!!

Current weight: 265.4

Oh, Happy Day!

So, I've got 11 pounds down! This diet is pretty much the most amazing thing ever! For the past three weeks I've been eating nothing except meat, cheese, and eggs. I went through a two-day stage of wantting a cookie s bad I literally thought I would go insane. I woke up thinking about cookies, I imagined my bacon and eggs were cookies, I fell asleep thinking about cookies...yeah, I had it bad. But now, I"m pretty much over it. I actually went to Ruby Tuesday's with Timothy and didn't eat one of the fries that came with my meal! Of course, last night, we had Zaxby's and as soon as I opened the container I had to close it and give it to Timothy so he could take out the delicious, hot, soggy from the butter toast that my chicken came on. Boo.

Anyways, 11 down, 89 to go!

The Newness of It All

SO...in the last two weeks, I've lost 7 pounds! It seemed like I was doing everything wrong, even though I was following the diet sheet the endocronologist gave me. It turns out he was an idiot. He was helping me maintain my current weight...what kind of crap is that? He tells me I'm borderline diabetic and 100 pounds overweight, and he gives me a diet to maintain the weight? That doesn't even make any sense!

Anyways, Mama has been doing the Medi-weight loss diet and she's lost 20 pounds so far, I think. Yay her! So I was telling her about my diet and the miserable-ness of the English muffins and she gave me some advice. She told me to get my body to go into ketosis. In order to do that, I can only have strict protein: meat, eggs, and cheese. Eating only protein makes your body turn to eat the extra fat that's on you. It's pretty much amazing! First of all, I love, love, LOVE bacon and eggs! Granted, I've slipped. I made all As so last night at Santa Fe I had two rolls. And they were good, don't get me wrong, it just tasted...off. And I loooooooove bread. But that let me know that this no carb, no sugar thing is really working out for me.

Do I miss the sweets? Heck yes! And it's going to be especially hard this weekend when I go help Nanny make her Christmas candy. Pecan brittle, and divinity, and puppy chow, OH MY! I'll be good. I just keep thinking about the bikini. And hopefully, by December 2010 I will have lost 100 pounds! Just in time for graduation (where I'll be wearing a KILLER LBD). Here's hoping!

Current weight: 263 pounds.

Yes, I realize it's been far too long since I've updated on here. I went to an endocronologist, per my neurologist's instruction, and I found out that I have an intolerance to glucose. Mhmm. So he put me on a 1,200 calorie a day diabetic diet and let me tell you...it's very bland. Luckily Timothy is doing this with me and is actually excited about being on a diet! WOW! We decided to do this for a month and to see how much weight we lost as to whether or not we'll continue with this diet or not. Here's hoping we've found the one!

Today's weight: 270.4.

I weighed this morning and I'm down to 259.4. I wish I could say it's because I'm working my but off and that I'm only eating rabbit food, but I can't. I've cut way down on what I've been eating, but I haven't changed my foods. I guess that's part of the secret. I can keep myself happy and eat the foods I love, only in moderation. I've got to be honest, after the week of stress that I had over the ECE program I thought that I would have gained five pounds. I lost all since of discipline and I went into one of my "don't want to" and "don't care" moods. But I honestly think that God saw what I needed and He gave it to me. For those of you that know me, you know that's not a comment I would normally make. I know that I need to make more changes in my life besides my weight, and I think I can do it.

1Peter 3:4

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man

Right now I'm reading a book by Steve Harvey called "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man". The book's main focus is on relationships but he actually makes some really good points along the lines of respecting yourself and on self concept.

His number one rule is "Protect the cookie". In order to get and keep a respectable man a woman should always protect her cookie. It is ultimately our decision as to what will and will not happen in a relationship and we should demand that it be so. Too many women are willing to take the backseat while their man makes all of the decisions (such as where to go, what to do, and when he gets the cookie). Don't get me wrong, I am horrible at decision making so sometimes I prefer that Timothy make all of them. But if he decides on something that I really don't want to do, I let him know and we choose another thing to do. By protecting your cookie, you are letting your man know that you demand respect from him. A man will not respect a woman who immediately gives up the cookie. Get his respect, get his love, get a ring, get a dress, get married, and then give up the cookie.

The cookie bit had me rolling in the floor, but one of his quotes really stuck with me. He says, "...all of you possess a great beauty all your own, and only Halle can look like Halle, and only Beyonce can look like Beyonce". This was a light bulb moment for me. When I read it I thought, duh! Why didn't I ever think of that? Women as a whole generally have a low self concept. We look in the mirror and our minds automatically add 20 pounds of nonexistent fat whereas a man can look in the mirror and add 20 pounds of nonexistent muscle and sculptedness. What's up with that?

The average woman in America wears a size 14. All of the magazine adds, the commercials, the movies, even the book covers--where are the big girls? Where are those size 14 women? And I would LOVE to know why the largest size pants I found today in Sears, Dillard's, J.C. Penney's, Belk, and Old Navy were a size 18. The "plus sizes" can only be ordered online. What the heck? And don't even get me started on Victoria's Secret panties. I love panties. Ever since I met Whitney, I've loved to go panty shopping. And I say that in the straightest way possible. While I was in Bath and Body Works, deciding what kind of cookies I would like to drown my sorrows in, the sales girl told me about Lane Bryant. I went in, and I almost cried. They had my size (which shall remain numberless at this point in time) in every single thing there! For the first time in YEARS I was excited to try on clothes and to look at myself in the mirror. I got a pair of pants, three shirts, two bras, and eight pairs of panties. So there, Victoria's Secret!

The whole point of this completely random blog was that I learned something today. I learned that I shouldn't compare myself to the models in my magazines and to the actresses on my favorite shows. I'm loud, I'm fun, I'm smart, and I'm a tad bit crazy. I'm also wonderfully made. My body will never fit my idea of perfection because I'm not made to be what is considered perfect. However, I need to fix myself so that I can be healthy. And I'd like to wear a bikini. It is most definitely a lot easier to tell you about my epiphany over Steve's quote than to actually 100% believe it, but I'm working on it.

Today's weight: 264.7

Binge

I really should be studying for my RSED test, but I can't concentrate. Today has been the absolute WORST day I've had in a while. I should start at the beginning of this story so that you won't get confused.

When I came to Auburn I was a declared Secondary English Education major. Halfway through the semester I decided that I would rather be a kindergarten teacher and when I told my advisor this, she told me not to go to the rest of my classes and to not worry about taking my finals. Yeah...that's what I did and my GPA was a 0.00. I have struggled to bring up my GPA for over a year, and it's happening, but not nearly fast enough. I was guaranteed a spot in the Early Childhood Education program for Spring of 2010, which meant that I would graduate in December of 2010. This morning I get an email from my advisor telling me that in order to get in the program, I would have to sit out a semester. Sitting out a semester not only throws me into paying Sallie Mae, it also means I won't graduate until May 2011. Six years to get a four year degree. My cousin, who is four days older than me will have a Bachelor's and a Master's before I graduate.

So I ate country fried steak with mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, some donut holes, a caramel and chocolate drizzeled donut, and a chocolate donut with chocolate filling. And some sweet tea. Let's block out the frustration and the stress and the pain with food. In high school I refused to eat when I was feeling this way, and now I binge. I feel sick and guilty, which only adds on more stress. It's like Fat Bastard on Austin Powers: "I eat because I'm upset, and I'm upset because I eat." It's a vicious cycle. I'm just tired of running out of breath from simply walking to the kitchen for a bottle of water and back to the couch. It's 25 feet, max, and it leaves me breathless.

How do I change what I am? How can I stop my stress eating? How can I put my life together? It just seems like it would be so much easier to just do what I want and eat what I want.


Today's weight: 265.0

Randomness

This diet is getting the best of me. My weight is fluctuating and I'm just so tired of it. It seems like it'd be just so much easier to eat what I want, when I want. Katie is getting married in four months and it's a good thing that she wants me to wear a black dress because otherwise I'd just look like a cow. Maybe I still will. Whatever. I just wish that there was something I could take to help speed this thing along. I can't take any form of diet pills since they have so much caffiene, and maybe I should just take that as a hint. It's just that it's too hard doing it by myself. I feel like I need that little extra push. I'm thinking about looking into the green tea stuff. I'll let you know how it works out for me...

Vacay!

Let me begin this blog by telling you about my amazing boyfriend. He has been holding a surprise trip over my head for the past month and last weekend, we finally went! We went to Savannah, Georgia, and had the best weekend. We went to the Candy Kitchen, PAULA DEEN'S RESTAURANT, took a tour of the city, and went to tour a renovated Catholic cathedral. It was the best weekend I've ever had!

I can't decide which part of the trip was my favorite because every thing we did was so much fun! The Candy Kitchen--all I can say is wow. Everyting was covered in either milk chocolate, white chocolate, or dark chocolate. And Paula's was just amazing! Timothy had BBQ, and I had a meatloaf sandwich. My mouth is watering just thinking about it!! The city was also beautiful. All of the original buildings are still standing and the original parks are there. And the cathedral--I almost cried when I saw it. They spent over $12 million renovating the church and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life! If at all possible, I will be getting married in a Catholic church.


Anyways, on to the diet part since this is why the blog was created in the first place. I gained over a pound, which puts me at 267.8. But. My boyfriend is amazing, and I love him! And I'm so happy...even though I can't find my camera. He made the entire weekend about ME and he planned the trip all by himself. Yes, I gained a pound, but I also had a wonderful time with Timothy and the trip brought us closer together because we could relax and enjoy each other and experience new things together.

I'll just have to work on double duty this week.

Good Points

I weighed yesterday and I'm down to 266.4. In one week I lost one whole pound and six ounces. I counted calories, and never went above 1500, and I walked two miles everyday, which concluded with three rather nasty blisters on my right inner thigh. And it was one freaking pound. ONE.

However, my very supportive boyfriend made a very good point. He said that it may have been only one pound after a week of eating right and exercising each day for a week BUT. There are 52 weeks in a year and that even if I only lost one pound per week I'd lose 52 pounds (which is half of my goal). He's pretty much amazing.

What adds to his amazingness is the fact that he hasn't brought a single fast food container into my apartment, he's eaten a salad when that's what I'm having for supper, and he's walked with me. He got Matt, Kim, and Avery to join in with us, too! Timothy even set up the treadmill in his apartment so that I can still walk with him there if he doesn't want to get physical. I'm an independent woman, but walking around outside by myself is not only stupid it's dangerous. All of these skinny prisses running around the campus in pitch black dark with headphones in their ears are just asking for trouble. I did see one girl running with a dog, but it was a poodle. Please tell me what a poodle is going to do to an attacker. At least run with a boxer, or a rotwieler, or a lab. You need something that looks ferocious, not a dog that has red toenails and a haircut that leaves their butt bare.

One pound and six ounces. It's better than nothing, but I'm aiming for two next week.

So I weighed this morning and I'm at 268.0 pounds. Timothy and I actually went walking last night--we did two miles in 30 minutes! He promised that we would do it everyday, and we've got Matt and Kim in on it so they'll be doing it with us. All of the junk food (with the exception of the stuff for Timothy's lunch) has been removed from my apartment. Now all I have to do is go buy more things than the 100 calorie snack packs. Here's hoping that I'm headed for that bikini!

Bummer

So I weighed myself and I have gained 0.2 pounds which puts me at 269 total pounds. Considering that Timothy and I had just returned from spending the weekend in Destin with Mama and Daddy, I think that it could be considered as a good thing.

When I saw the weight, I got into a slump. Why keep starving when I gain weight? Yes, it was only 0.2 pounds but it hurt my feelings, if that makes any sense. Maybe it will be better next week. Keep your fingers crossed!

Freakin' Idiot...Gah

So I'm pretty pissed right now. The ups include that both Timothy and Daddy had a piece of red velvet cake yesterday and I didn't. I even watched them eat it and lick their forks in front of me. But...today I had a glass of sweet tea. And a cinnamon roll. And I didn't go walking. Timothy bought me a Redi Set Go oven for my birthday and we had to try it out! I did only eat one cinnamon roll, though, and I threw the rest out. I think the walking is going to be the hardest part. I just don't want to do it by myself and Timothy's so tired when he gets off work. I'm just going to have to man up and stop making excuses.

Can't wait for the Special K in the morning and the salad for lunch. That comment was dripping with sarcasm, for those of you who don't know me. Luckily, I'm not experiencing any withdrawals. It really helps that I haven't seen a single Dairy Queen commercial since I've made this plan. I'd love a peach milkshake from Chik-Fil-A right now, but again, as luck would have it, it's 2:09AM and they're closed! Yay me!

Headed home for the weekend. Dreading it. Nanny's promised coconut cobbler. I can have one bite, though. And I'm taking my Special K with me. I like going home, but I do so much better when I'm in Auburn. OH--and the beach trip with mama and daddy next weekend. In Destin and I can't have any fried shrimp. Why can't I just stay fat and die happy? I see fat women on the beach all the time in bikinis. And we're talking big, fine, firm women. Yikes...I need to go to sleep. Those were some pretty scary thoughts right there. I'll say no to the cobbler. But NO BROCCOLI. EVER.

Curvacious

I can't sleep, which is becoming quite a regular thing in my life. I suppose it's because of the fact that I have too much going on in my brain. Tonight I can't seem to get my weight off of my mind. Since I have moved to Auburn, on January 1, 2008, I have gained roughly 90 pounds. This morning I weighed myself and the scales read 268.6. I am mortified that I just displayed that number on the internet for God and everyone to see, but maybe mortification is what I need right now. I had a conversation with Daddy about my weight and it wasn't pretty. He's never been the most gentle man when it comes to honesty. He made me realize that I'm slowly killing myself and putting myself at risk for diabetes and perhaps even another seizure. Because of this, I'm starting a diet blog. It's probably going to be terribly boring, but I don't have a diary so this is all I have. I think diaries are a little corny.

I just finished reading a book titled "Real Women Don't Wear Size 2". It's about a woman who wears a double digit and feels as if she has always been compared to her younger sister, who wears a size two. Throughout the whole book she was called curvacious and pleasantly plump, and frankly, that just pissed me off. They're just pretty words for fat. Yes, I said the "F" word. FAT. Eventually she learned that she was sexy and beautiful and just hot to trot. That's not real life. Can I think of myself as sexy and beautiful? Sometimes. Make up works miracles and I have great boobs. I just feel like I lack that extra "OMG, I hate her" factor. My goal is to look like one of those girls that other people hate. August 2010--string bikini, here I come! I hope.

This blog will be a record of my journey. I'll post my new weight every two weeks, and the ups and downs of the trip. I'm betting on more downs than ups. One up about this week is that my mother left half of a red velvet cake at my apartment and I haven't touched it...I actually hear it calling my name right now. It's a wonderful feeling to hear that cake and be able to ignore it. Will I throw it away? Eventually. I just need the little boost in confidence that it gives me right now to be able to turn it down...even though I'd love a sugar rush. Sigh.

This is all turning out to be completely randomized and WAY out of order. Anyways, here are the rules:
1. No fried or fast food at all. I already shed my tear for Hardees' bacon cheddar ranch fries.
2. Nothing but water to drink (yuck). Milo's...
3. No dessert. I feel like I'm betraying Ben and Jerry. Sorry guys.
4. One small treat on Sunday if, and only if, I make it Monday through Saturday with NO slip ups.
5. Walk at least 3 miles per day. I wish you could've hear the whine that just escaped my lips.
6. Only weigh every two weeks. That's so I don't get discouraged when I see I've only lost 2 pounds in one week.

That's it for tonight. I'll chat you up in two weeks!